Heartbreak hotel

On a more personal note,

I broke up with my boyfriend with whom I was in a relationship for 2 years and 8 months. Now I wouldn't normally even begin to write something as personal on a blog which theoretically anyone can access and read but I am aware at this point in my life that no one actually reads my blog and the only comments I find about the "stuff" I have written are advertisements about lawns and breast implants. So back to the breakup, it has only been two days yet so everything is still too fresh to touch but I really need to get a few things down on paper (so to speak) so that I can clear my thoughts.

I got into this relationship when I was just fifteen and a sophomore, now I am in college and living alone in another city. I have broken up again and gotten back together with that very same boyfriend but I just came to realize that this time it is final. That is why yesterday when we broke up it really felt like "THE END" but also the beginning of a new stage in my life that is not only different but also as challenging as the first day of school. Because the loss of the person around whom I had purposely and knowingly built my life, for almost three years, forces me really to start almost from scratch. I didn't lose just any boyfriend I lost the person with whom I spent three very important and character shaping years of my life with. I didn't lose just a boyfriend I lost my best friend and my comfort and my guide and my psychiatrist and my shopping partner and crisis manager.

And no I don't think we can really stay friends because, even though I know that we couldn't stay together for several reasons( he didn't feel good about it anymore, we live 600 kilometers away from each other and this is not going to change anytime soon, we are too young for such a commitment) I cant help but feeling let down by the very person I depended on.
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To be honest my greatest difficulty so far has been to refrain from calling him. On the one hand I cant help hoping that he might call even though I know for a fact he never will and on the other hand I am trying to protect myself from getting hurt by a constant contact with him. If I go further I realize the dilemma is actually more long term and more substantial than it looks at first glance. If I decide not to call him at all as I have decided this means that maybe I will recover sooner but it also means that I am losing a really good friend (but haven't I already?). If decide to call him it might get messy and probably more difficult for him too (which is an advantage of the proposal) but it might also lead me to hoping we might get together again and that would be catastrophic.

I understand that it was too much that I expected this to last forever considering the distance and our age but I cant help but think that I didn't want this to end I didn't mind traveling all these hours by train just to be with him and I didn't mind that we had to spend most of our time together on the phone. For a while he didn't mind either so maybe it wasn't the distance after all maybe he just got tired or bored of me, I guess its only natural but even so the thought is killing me.

I just want to talk to him about anything: the weather, politics, movies but I cant and I shouldn't.

This is final and I have to deal with it: even good things come to an end.